Who is This For?
The four of us – Christiane, Chris, Johanna, and I – have been in an ongoing conversation about ethics. Partially because we are getting ready to teach an online course about ethics for practitioners of all kinds (but especially somatic sex educators), partially because most ethical guidelines and instruction leave much to be desired, and also because it’s a fascinating, rich, complex realm of inquiry.
We also work with clients, students, and colleagues who have been on all sides of ethical dilemmas and violations. We feel intimately invested in creating practical ethics that are not coming from the outside in or the top-down, and do not rely on a set of rules that we are required to follow, but instead arrive from the ground up. Ethics that arise from the recognition of our inviolable belonging in The World.
As I sit with it all, I keep coming back to one simple question, over and over again: Who is it for?
Before I say more, I first want to extend my gratitude to Betty Martin, a pioneer in somatic sex education. This question is at the heart of her model for touch, the Wheel of Consent. You can learn more about this model, and her soon-to-be-on-the-shelves book here.
Who is it for?
As you sit with a crying friend, do you reach out to rub their back because you are uncomfortable and you’re trying to comfort them so you can feel okay? Or are you reaching out and rubbing their back for them? Who is the touch for?
When you lean in to kiss your partner, just the way you know they like, hoping to initiate a rendezvous in bed, is it for you? Or for them? Who is the kiss for?
If you’re a practitioner, therapist, coach, teacher, or guide of some kind, when you share a story from your life that mirrors something your client is bringing, are you sharing it to connect with them? To let them know they aren’t alone? Or is there a part of you that wants to be seen? Who is the story for?
This question is not the solution to all of the ethical dilemmas we face or all of the choices that we navigate, but it’s a good place to start. Getting clear on who something is for, no matter the situation can help to clarify and guide your actions, creating more transparency, safety, and ultimately pleasure for all involved.
Let’s go back to the kiss example. If I approach my partner to kiss them with the awareness that the kiss is for me, instead of asking, “would you like a kiss?” which turns it into something for them and masks my desire, a more honest approach would be, “Can I kiss you?”
Owning your desire in this instance can translate into deeper relationality and intimacy with your partner because you are acknowledging what is actually happening. This empowers both of you to participate from a place of choice and curiosity, rather than assumption.
It feels important to acknowledge that many – if not most – of our interactions are not clear cut and discreet like this. When I kiss a partner or hug a beloved friend, it’s often for both of us. And even if I hug a friend because they’ve asked for it doesn’t mean that I can’t derive some pleasure and nourishment from it.
The point of this question is to help us begin to look at and get curious about our interactions. Asking ‘who is this for?’ can begin to liberate your voice to speak up for your choices, needs, and desires in a wide range of dynamics.
